Make Like a Pharaoh
by Schia
Summary: Yami Bakura is tired of Yami-Yugi's bubbling confidence and gives the Pharaoh a long-awaited blow to the head. Now he's forced to learn all there is about ruling Egypt. Apparently, the art of Pharaoh-ism isn't all sunshine and glory.


**Make Like a Pharaoh**

_Yami Bakura's Point of View..._

"For the last time, tomb raider, it's my natural hair colour."

We've been going at this argument for hours and we're apparently not going anywhere in life. And when I say '_we_' have been debating, I mean pharaoh idiot Yami-Yugi. It's not like I have the privilege to an opinion. Yami-the-Thick-Headed-Bastard is set on his statement. Like I actually want to know the truth.

The fact that we're in a very confined area _together_ and we're still in living condition is beginning to scare me. For the past five and a half bloody hours we've been spending the start of the week arguing. Locked. Inside a broom closet. Yugi's broom closet. Together. And we're _still_ alive. The words "Bakura" and "Yami" are never associated in the same sentence without "dead," "mauled" or "murdered" in it as well.

Regardless, I'm quite proud to be the culprit of this mess. Besides scaring the shit out of Ryou and repeatedly plotting against the morons of today, I don't take well to going around doing the macarena for a living. I'd usually gloat about "incidents" such as this, but I am blaming every last bit of this mess on Yami. The said bastard has effieciently proved he has the intellect of a blueberry.

Based on today's event. I doubt anything will ever surprise me ever again.

Besides the entire 'bang-on-Yami's-door-at-the-crack-of-dawn' stunt, I'm not sure which of today's events had ticked Yami off first. It was either the 'I-accidentally-spilled-hot-coffee-on-the-lap' episode or the 'Bakura-The-Snow-Bitch' act. Or it could have been the 'accidentally-switched-hair-gel-for-toothpaste' incident. The persistent side of me is telling me it's most likely when Yami woke up only to find the living room decorated with whipped cream and having the after-shock of seeing himself dressed in a corest. Funny. I always thought pink was his colour. I'll have to remember to ask him later on...

"Fucked up tomb raider..."

"I have a broom, pharaoh, and it's begging to meet your ass," I make a more than welcoming gesture with the broom.

I have memorized Yami's family from heir to heir, priest to mage, and back again, but never in my entire damned life have I ever seen such immaturity in all of the generations. Until now. I've finally gained an immortal life, but I'm considering rethinking its advantages. I'm finidng it a punishment now. Not only are the mortals of the 21st century idiotic morons, but I'm stuck with my mortal-now-as-immortal-as-I-am enemy until eternity and then some.

And I recently acknowledged the fact that Yami has the blessed skill of balancing cockiness with pride, ego and hair gel while having the attention span of a rock. The said idiot has managed to do this for over five thousand years, all the while ruling Egypt. The fact that it takes him less time to accomplish this than it takes me to curse him in Egyptian intrigues me now.

For the last few hours I've choosen to very wisely to stay out of Yami's line of sight after my morning gifts to him: the whip creamprank, the frilly pink corset, blah blah, blah. The bastard isn't exactly enthralling when already pissed. I had been doing a very good job of trying to plan an escape route out of the Game Shop.

...until this damned broom closet incident happened. Apparently Yami didn't take well to cleaning the living room solo and forced me to fetch the vacumm. After numerous attempts of trying to understand the properties of said appliance (and attempting to suck Yami's hair into it) Yami had the brilliant idea of shoving me into the closet and locking himself in here too. Now we're standing like a couple of idiotic morons, nose-to-nose, inside a broom closet.

Point established.

After the entire 'I-was-your-enemy-in-Egypt' issue had been sorted out while standing here in the closet, we've established several other educational facts that Yami's little gang had been wondering about for the last few months. Yami and I are apparently immortal in the 21st century, and probably will be until either Ryou and Yugi die or we find a way to destroy our Millenium Items --which ever comes first. And I'm stuck with my mortal enemy in whatever the bloody hell you want to call this excuse for a closet.

Joy. And the Pharaoh continues to talk like there's no tomorrow.

"...and I thought, 'What an ugly hair colour.' But then I realized, 'Wait! Isn't that _Bakura's_ hair colour? Ah, well, it's ugly regardless!' So then..." Yami's words drown out in endless speech.

If it were less cramped up in this shit hole I'd probably would have made several attempts to kill Yami. The bastard's voice is overwhelming, and judging by his breath, I don't want to know what the moron's had for lunch.

I can't wait to congratulate whoever constructed this closet. Damn them.

"..."

I noted a positive change in the atmosphere as Yami paused from his rant. Maybe miracles do exist.

The pause was held longer. I'm not sure if he stopped to give his brain the five seconds it needed to understand that I was ignoring him or if he couldn't get enough air into his lungs to continue.

Advantage-taking-moment.

"Your people may have loved your cocky, over-powering voice, but some of us don't mind a little bit of peace and quiet." Yami sends me the stupidest looking gaze and tips his head to the side. I pinch the bridge of my nose.

I am not going to lose it, I will not fall for this idiot's trap, I will --fuck this.

Am not agitated. Am not agitated. Am not agitated.

Blame Pharaoh.

Yes, new plan. New plan good.

All anger is now focused on depicting Pharaoh's head from Pharaoh's body.

Am liking new plan.

"Bakura," Yami cocks his head idiotically to one side, "have I been boring you?"

He shoots me a look as if I had sprouted two heads, which really isn't that far from the truth. Should I start ripping him limb from bloody limb and burn him over a bonfire or save my energy and knock his unconscious all in one go?

"Boring? Is that what you call this? Trust me, pharaoh, I just _admore_ beening locked in here with you. You know, if we weren't so cramped, I would have started to wonder whether or not there's enough space to hold a bloody threesome in here when Yugi decides to comes home." I shoot him a crooked grin.

Ew. I said "adore." I'll have to brush my teeth when I get home or rinse it with mouthwash.

Yami rolls his eyes. "For the love of Ra, Bakura. I was just—-"

"For the love of Ra, Bakura," I mock him, throwing out my hip to the side in his stance and making gestures in the air while effieciently banging my elbow into a shelf.

This is quite amusing. This sort of entertainment can piss someone off easily. I'll continue.

"I was just-—" I'm cut off as I suddenly feel another pair of lips over mine, and what I take to be Yami's hands holding me in place. Is he kissing me? I feel him smirk. He's _kissing_ me? _Yami_ is _kissing_ me? As soon as that thought occurs my mind, I instinctively move backwards, banging full-body into a shelf and escaping Yami, all the while causing a small cloud of dust to rise.

"_FUCK_!"

Screw the fucking mouthwash now. My mouth is pernamently dirtied.

He smirks, posture taut with confidence, "Gladly."

Then he moves forward.

Ra, damn him. I must look like an electrified fish with my mouth opening and closing. Moronic intellect-deprived fern head! Damn Pharaoh! He's screwing my head! He had no right to do that.

All patience is now lost.

I pull back my arm, a shelf collapsing as my elbow rams into it with the momentum, and throw it towards what I make out as Yami's head in this darkness. Instantly, Yami evades out of instinct, grabbing my wrists at the same time.

"What's wrong Tomb Raider? Surprised?" He pauses, and I can see his eyes sparkling in mirth, a smirk plastered across his face, "Can't wait, huh?"

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. We're enemies, damn it.

The motion is fast enough to knock my sense of balance and fall over him. Like I'd suffer this alone. The shelves behind Yami groan and one of them snaps, another cloud of dust rises.

Damn dust.

I try to hack the shit out of my mouth and wipe my eyes, inwardly smirking as I hear Yami cough up everything he swallowed. Maybe this dust is quite useful. Still partially blinded by the flying shit, I wipe my hand on the shelf above Yami's head, feeling disgusted as dust collects, and shove it into Yami's face. He continues to hack it out. I smirk.

THWAP.

Damn. Should have expected that. Yami's hand is smearing dust along my face as well and my eyes feel like they're on fire. Joy. We're coughing like no tomorrow.

I stumble back and hear a snap as another shelf falls. Shit. It falls all over me, coating both Yami and I in another thick cloud of dust. Yami doesn't look like he wants to fuck around, pardon the pun, judging by the manical look in his eyes.

"Bloody Pharaoh." I manage to gasp between coughs. That stupid excuse for a pharaoh will pay.

It's silent as both of us wait for the dust to stop flying, and both of us to stop coughing. If I weren't directly involved, this would have been a comical fight.

"Bastard."

If anyone was here to witness this, it would most likely be a blow to my pride and ego with its level of maturity. Contrary to popular belief, I have a medium of maturity to display. I am more mature than the stupid, half-assed pharaoh. But this petty fight is worth it if I get through this unscathed.

I can escape the Shadow Realm, and that demented pain-in-the-ass Reaper of the Cards, but the point of fighting blindly in this flying white shit is harder than it looks.

As soon as I got some degree of clarity into my head and stop to take a breath, my first instinct is to knock Yami out cold and have a wondeful hour in a non-stupidity zone.

Through incoherent speech, random curses in Egyptian, and the usual foot-connected-to-gut fight, I finally see an opening where I can knock him out.

Oh holy Ra, he just kneed my stomach.

Once I stop doubling over, and wipe the shimmering tears-of-pain from my eyes, I shall fulfill my pledge to depict Pharaoh's head from Pharaoh's body. The bloody thing called a moral is stopping me though. Have to learn how to get rid of it.

Will substitute with shouting.

My words come out evenly and surprising me more than it does Yami. "Your reflexes are faster than I thought, Pharaoh." The prick must think I'm crazy now. He better watch his back because I'm not too far off that path either. Not at all phased by what I was throwing at him, he easily snaps several of the buckles on his shirt that had snapped off back into place and gave another one of those 'I-am-more-mature-than-thy' looks.

Something about that theme was starting to push me. And Yami will soon learn why no one has ever claimed to have seen my buttons pushed. They never make it out alive.

I close my eyes, somewhat reluctantly trying to keep my temper in check for the sake of not demolishing Yugi's closet. Ra, if Ryou finds out... over the last few months Ryou has picked up on the talent of making a threat, but I'm starting to re-consider teaching him the meaning of that word. He now uses the words "melt" and "Millenium Ring" in the same sentence.

"Do you know just how ... " I was grinding my teeth so hard together it hurt. "Stupid—- no wait. There hasn't been a word made up yet to describe how immature and stupid you are."

Dear Ra, I never knew my own temper. I feel a sting on pain as I clench my hands and draw blood. He's such a prick. Yami purposely buffs his hand on his shirt to show that he was not at all phased and stood up to his full height, which _should_ have come off as threatening. He never gives up, does he?

I tug on my hair.

"As much as you pulling your hair is amusing to me, Bakura, it really—-"

Yes, I finally admit the pharaoh has pushed my buttons. Why am I admitting this? Because he will receive punishment for this. My mind has made up along with my newest assignment. I am to infuriate him.

I balled my hand, swearing every curse I knew, which surprised Yami. Taking that as an advantage-flashing moment, I grabbed the collar of his shirt and used that momentum to swing him and shove him against the wall. "What in Ra's name is wrong with you? I— You— I can't even describe the stupidity!" I apparently, I was ranting, and this new way of exploiting anger is amusing, so I'll keep going. "What is wrong with your people, your gang, whatever in bloody hell you want to refer everyone to! They cannot realize that a spiritually and physically demented being with a-a there's no word to describe the amount of gel you use for your hair! How do you rule them all? What do you say! 'Pucker up'?" I shove a finger toward him to prove two of my three points. I was losing count, control, and the fact that my temper has this really bad habit of appearing during the wrong places at the right times, I think this was going to end up in some physical destruction. "Did you go up to the Gods and ask them to plant a-a fern on your head!"

I couldn't actually blame him for everything, but I am a tomb raider. My point of existence was to be evil, as cliché as it sounds. Somehow I think Yami's responsible for all this. Evil or not, I didn't really care, and I don't think he really does either. Someone must hate me up there and forced me here. Yami smirked, the third eye of Horus glowing on his forehead. "Someone hates you down here too."

Damn it, his mind reading skills were picking up again. With all the shelves collasped, we're boxed into an even tighter space, pushing Yami and myself closer together, to the point we were literally nose-to-nose. I could feel my Shadow Magic flaring around me, and I could faintly feel Yami tapping into his. This was going to be oh-so freakingly fun. "Is this a challenge I am hearing, Ba-Kura?" He said, spitting out my name like it was poison. That's more like it. Almighty Pharaoh was back. Let me see him roar.

"Yes, I am challenging you." I said defiantly, crossing my arms, ignoring a few of his previous comments, my power flaring. Yami must've felt it too since his eyes are narrowing. Idiot thinks I'm going to kill him. He's truly an idiot. He's already dead. Without warning, I punched him up-side the head, hearing a snap as his jaw closes. Goody. Without further warning, he jabbed his elbow into my gut. I doubled over, when Yami is suddenly aware that if he kicks me, he'll take me down. But apparently, to my advantage, the shelves are in the way. Maybe Ra's smiling down on me today. I've learned not to dwell on these things too long, or Ra usually ends up smiling down at me and he obliterates me with his foot.

Changing my mind on what I'm thinking on, I take no time to grab an advantage. I grab a shelf that's now reduced to a mere plank of wood and slam it over his head. Even I frown with the audible snap that occured. Yami lets out a growl, hands flying to his head. There's a sickening crack as I swing it over him again and he backs into the wall, sinking to his knees in pain.

Glaring him down, I did the only thing I could. Smirk, then knee his chest. At the same time, I hear another sickening crack. Probably his ribs. Without warning, he suddenly leaps up, pinning me against the broken shelves, an insane look in his eyes. Something between pain and going down the path of an insane prick. I shove him back, taking a step behind me, and move forward with momentum, raising the plank of wood that was once a shelf in my hand. I hit him over the head, whilst breaking down the door of the closet, the both of us falling to the ground. So much for keeping the closet in tact.

"Yami!" "Yami Yugi!"

I look up to see both Ryou and Yugi's shocked faces. I turn back down to Yami in time to see his eyes roll into the back of his head.

"..." "..." "... Shit?"


End file.
